This is something Lundy Bancroft writes in the book “Why Does He Do That?: Inside the minds of angry and controlling men,” and he actually covers it a few times.
But it’s Myth #6 about abusers:
MYTH #6: He loses control of himself. He just goes wild.
Many years ago, I was interviewing a woman named Sheila by telephone. She was describing the rages that my client Michael would periodically have:
“He just goes absolutely berserk, and you never know when he’s going to go off like that. He’ll just start grabbing whatever is around and throwing it. He heaves stuff everywhere, against the walls, on the floor—it’s just a mess. And he smashes stuff, important things sometimes. Then it’s like the storm just passes; he calms down; and he leaves for a while. Later he seems kind of ashamed of himself.”
I asked Sheila two questions. The first was, when things got broken, were they Michael’s, or hers, or things that belonged to both of them? She left a considerable silence while she thought. Then she said, “You know what? I’m amazed that I’ve never thought of this, but he only breaks my stuff.I can’t think of one thing he’s smashed that belonged to him.”
Next, I asked her who cleans up the mess. She answered that she does.
I commented, “See, Michael’s behavior isn’t nearly as berserk as it looks. And if he really felt so remorseful, he’d help clean up.”
And then he also talks about how domestic abusers typically have extreme control in making sure they maintain their power.
